The Tale of Bob the Zombie

My name is Bob the Zombie
and I'm really a nice guy;
I can hardly be to blame
When my body will not die!

I think I was a baker
because I still have the clothes.
I made cakes and cookies,
pies and tarts,
and even jelly rolls.

But I think that I was bitten
By some loony on the street
He must have thought that I
Was someone good enough to eat!

I started getting rather ill
And all my buddies were afraid;
Especially when I put blood on my toast
Instead of marmalade.

And then I heard some rumor
That zombies were on the loose;
"That's preposterous!" I cried aloud
Over my mouthful of raw moose.

"Bob, you don't look so hot," they said,
"And you really, really smell.
Could it be that you've been bit
And you are one of THEM as well?"

"Come to think of it," I pondered,
"You really could be right.
My skin is decomposing
and I simply loathe the light."

Granted, I was changing,
but it wasn't really fun
When they started plotting my demise
And the places they would run.

I regret what I did nowadays
But I couldn't stop the hunger.
I ate the brains out of my friends
and tore their limbs asunder!

I made myself some new friends
Who all looked just like me;
With wobbly flesh and rotting teeth
We went on a killing spree.

Yes, those were the days of glory,
And through the streets I lumbered;
But as my limbs all fell away
I knew my days were numbered.

The Normals were uprising
By sawblade and by gun,
And with legs that had no muscle
Do you think that I could run?!

One by one my new friends died
(If you could really call it dead),
They were cut in half, shot and burned
And some even lost their head!

I knew it was time to reform
From my evil zombie ways;
It was time to say "adieu, adieu,"
To my bloody glory days.

I cleaned up my act, stopped eating flesh
And even stole a suit.
To top it off, I forced myself
To live off certain fruit!

I'm no longer a working man
For no one would ever hire
an undead being who smell resembles
a burning garbage pyre.

Instead I moved to Hollywood
Where I became the key
To every single zombie film
That you will ever see!

I now live up in Beverly Hills
(though I only come out at night),
I just wish I could go to the mall
Without causing a fright!

My name is Bob the Zombie,
And I'd love the chance to meet you.
But when you come, please don't let
My ghastly smell defeat you!